Jokes to Cheer You
It's Good to Laugh!

Sport Bloopers

Everyone can get a laugh or two out of these classic sporting comment or commentary bloopers, even if you don't understand the particular sport.

Nominations for the world prize of stating the most ridiculous:

  • "Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams..." Kilmarnock fans to the Rangers keeper after he had been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia.

  • "I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones" Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992.

  • "Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence." NY Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer's positioning.

  • "I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered" George Best.

  • "If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent" Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990.

  • "That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on." John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.

  • "I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs..." ANDY GRAY, Sky Sport

  • Richard Keys : Well Roy, do you think that you'll have to finish above Manchester United to win the league? Roy Evans : You have to finish above everyone to win the league Richard.

  • "If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen." TERRY VENABLES, Capital Gold

  • "It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday." Radio 5 Live

  • "Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money." NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live

  • "I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it." ALAN BALL

  • "Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different." TREVOR BROOKING

  • "Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead." TOM FERRIE

  • "And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out." DAVE BASSETT

  • "And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds." PETER JONES

  • "What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal." JIMMY HILL

  • "Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins." BRIAN MOORE

  • "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." DAVID ACFIELD

  • What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio. Gerry Francis

  • John Harkes going to Sheffield, Wednesday. New York Post (1993) - (The team is Sheffield Wednesday).

  • If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers. Mick Lyons

  • He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head. Derek Johnstone - BBC TV Scotland (1994)

  • The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did. Barry Davies (1975)

  • I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. Stuart Pearce (1992)

  • Jimmy Hill: Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany have got of getting through? Terry Venables: I think it's fifty - fifty.

  • There's nobody fitter at his age, except maybe Raquel Welch.- Ron Atkinson lauds Gordon Strachan, 39

  • Manchester United take more in programme sales than we take on the gate.- Lawrie McMenemy, Southampton

  • If I walked on water, my accusers would say it is because I can't swim. - Berti Vogts, Germany coach

  • You don't have to have been a horse to be a jockey. - Arrigo Sacchi, Italy coach, defending a meagre playing record

  • Love is good for footballers, as long as it is not at half-time. - Richard Moller Nielsen, Denmark coach

  • I was about to say, before something far more interesting interrupted . . . - John Motson, France v Bulgaria

  • Why didn't you just belt it son? - Gareth Southgate's mother reflects publicly on her son's penalty miss.

  • The only way we will be going to Europe is if the club splash out and take us all to Eurodisney. Dean Holdsworth, Wimbledon

  • I was shocked when I was first introduced to the fans because they brought out a sheep, cut its head off and then smeared blood over my forehead. Manchester United's Ronnie Johnsen on life with Besiktas, Turkey

  • If the players want to make it hard for me, I am happy to make it twice as hard for them. Wendy Toms, the first female referee to officiate in a professional game.

  • The score is Sunderland nil, Leicester nil, the temperature is nil and the entertainment value is not much above nil. Sunderland v Leicester, Radio 5 Live

  • I think having Wasps around here as well gives us that little buzz around the place. Ray Wilkins on the QPR-Wasps groundshare.

  • This is an unusual Scotland side because they have good players. Praise for the Under-21s from Javier Clemente, Spain's coach.

  • There are some great defenders here, I just don't know their names. David Ginola of Newcastle and France.

  • It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up. Ian Wright on the Arsenal captain's confession to alcoholism.

  • It's sod's law. Now I've got time to improve my golf it's the wrong time of year. Howard Wilkinson when sacked by Leeds.

  • I know where he should have put his flag up, and he'd have gotplenty of help. Ron Atkinson at Stamford Bridge.

  • The referee was booking everyone. I thought he was filling in his lottery numbers. Ian Wright.

  • "Asking Ruud Gullit to perform in this sort of match is like asking Kiri te Kanawa to jam with the Spice Girls". 5 Live's Pat Murphy on the lousy pitch at Derby and the ill-tempered nature of the game.

  • "And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

  • "Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem" (Howard Wilkinson)

  • "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)

  • "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker)

  • After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought" (Bobby Robson)

  • "And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman)

  • On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)

  • "Bill Frindall has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator" (John Arlott)

  • "Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe)

  • "Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew" (Harry Carpenter)

  • "Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)

  • "We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail)

  • "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston Bennett)

  • "I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)

  • "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno)

  • "Henry Horton's got a funny stance. It looks as if he's shitting on a shooting stick." (Brian Johnston)

  • "There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)

  • "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" (David Coleman)

  • "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)

  • "She's not Ben Johnson - but then who is?" (David Coleman)

  • "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)

  • "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)

  • "The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It's long and square" (Trevor Bailey)

  • "The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francome)

  • "Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)

  • "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers" (Murray Walker)

  • "Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)

  • "A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)

  • "The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (Ron Pickering)

  • "That's inches away from being millimetre perfect" (Ted Lowe)

  • "Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson)

  • "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" (Marlon Starling)

  • "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)

  • "I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (John Snagge - Boat Race)

  • "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)

  • World Cup Colemanballs examples (after the UK Commentator David Coleman) : "Pires has got something about him, he can go both ways depending on who's facing him" - David Pleat

  • "Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball" - Ian St John

  • "The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game" - Kevin Keegan

  • "Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and give him one really hard" - Big Ron

  • "Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman" - Brian Moore

  • "I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish" - Ian St John

  • "Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored" - Terry Venables

  • "The Croatians don't play well without the ball" - Barry Venison

  • "It had to go in, but it didn't" - Peter Drury

  • "That's lifted the crowd up into the air" - Barry Davies

  • "He never fails to hit the target. But that was a miss." - Bobby Robson

  • "Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders" - Kevin Keegan

  • More Kevin Keegan (retired footballer/active TV audience annoyer) specials:

  • "Only one team can win this game....and that team is England", followed by Brian Moore, "But wait a minute, here's Dan Petrescu...................." (England lost).

  • "Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose"

  • "That would have been a goal if the goalkeeper hadn't saved it"

  • "I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's completely different"

  • "A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off"

  • Some Big Rons (after UK football manager Ron Atkinson):

  • "Zidane is not very happy, because he's suffering from the wind"

  • "He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces"

  • "They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders"

  • "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw"

  • "He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate"

  • "I'm afraid they've left their legs at home"

  • "The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day." CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard

  • "What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?" STUART HALL, Radio 5 Live

  • "Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot." RAY WILKINS, BBC1

  • "I've got a gut feeling in my stomach..." ALAN SUGAR, BBC1

  • "I would not say he [David Ginola] is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." RON AKTINSON, Carling FA Premiership WWW Page

  • "Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke..." Carling FA Premiership WWW Page

  • "An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal." DAVE BASSETT, Sky Sports

  • "Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals." PETER WITHE, Radio 5 Live

  • "You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals." ALAN GREEN, Radio 5 Live

  • "What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal...." SIMON FANSHAWE, Talk Radio

  • "And we all know that in football if you stand still you go backwards..." PETER REID, Tyne Tees Sport Special

  • "The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes." STEVE COPPELL, Radio 5 Live

  • "They [Rosenborg] have won 66 games, and they've scored in all of them." BRIAN MOORE, ITV

  • "The lads really ran their socks into the ground." ALEX FERGUSON

  • "He [Brian Laudrup] wasn't just facing one defender - he was facing one at the front and one at the back as well." TREVOR STEVEN, STV

  • "...but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals." TONY GUBBA, BBC Match of the Day

  • "...an excellent player, but he [Ian Wright] does have a black side." GARY LINEKER, BBC

  • "We say 'educated left foot'... of course, there are many players with educated right foots." RON JONES, Radio 5 Live

  • "That's twice now he [Terry Phelan] has got between himself and the goal." BRIAN MARWOOD, Radio 5 Live

  • "Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him..." KEVIN KEEGAN

  • Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice." KEVIN KEEGAN, Radio 5 Live

  • "We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps." BRUCE RIOCH, ITV

  • "And I suppose they [Spurs] are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway." JOHN MOTSON, BBC

  • "... and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied to his foot with a ball of string..." IAN DARKE, Radio 5

  • Motty on form in the Columbia v Tunisia game, after Tunisia made a substitution: "They've now got Ben Younes, Ben Ahmed and Ben Slimane. I think we'll have to stick to using just their surnames." Sure enough he went on to refer to them as Younes, Ahmed and Slimane.

  • David Pleat during the United States' game against Iran: "He had to cut back inside onto his left foot because he literally hasn't got a right foot."

  • Talking of the US, some help for those footballing-challenged Americans from ESPN's commentator during the England/Tunisia match: "...saved by David Seaman, who plays for Arsenal. They of course, won the English double and the FA Cup."

  • Clive Tyldesley gets over-excited during last week's Brazil v Morocco game: "It's men against boys. No, it's GODS against boys!"

  • Kevin Keegan does TV punditry proud again. Probably meaning to say something along the lines of 'too many chiefs, not enough Indians' he came out with: "Sometimes there are too many generals and not enough, er, people waving to the generals as they, er, walk past."

  • And another nomination for Clive Tyldesley's efforts in the Brazil v Morocco game: "Brazil have only lost five times in their last 50 games; they lost 1-0 to the USA on a hot night in Athens, Georgia, home of the rock band REM (pause) Everybody hurts (small pause) sometimes."

  • Honourable mentions go to those commentators who think Colombia is in South America, and Chris Waddle's razer-sharp wit on display in the following exchange:

  • Motty: "Well I wonder what card the ref will show this time?" Waddle: "Well, with the going so far it could be a joker!"

  • Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald: Sex is an anti-climax after that!

  • Desmond Lynam: Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that

  • To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch. - Ruud Gullit

  • Ardiles strokes the ball like it is part of his own anatomy. - Jimmy Magee, RTE

  • This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother. - Ted Walsh (Horse Racing Commentator)

  • For those of you watching in Black and White, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip - John Motson

  • We'll still be happy if we lose. The game's on at the same time as the Beer Festival - Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich

  • I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona - Mark Draper (Aston Villa)

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